Tag Archives: what if

Mental Health month

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It has been almost a year, and I feel like I am in a place that I can write about it. I mostly want to write about it for me, I strangely feel that if I put it on paper maybe I can prevent it from happening again. I also hope it might help someone traveling a similar road.

When I think back on memories of the past, I see colors as well as the memory. August is usually golden, May – green, November – shades of brown, January is usually sky blue. I don’t know why, I don’t really know how to adequately explain it, but it is, and it has been for as long as I can remember.

When I think back on last July, it is black. Pitch black, no flicker of light. I had never been in this place before, I was unsure how to navigate through. I couldn’t find a map, who am I kidding, I could not even look for a map.

Since Jason passed, July and August are typically tough months for me. In the beginning I thought that was it, just another little bit of a sad time. Before I really knew what was happening my mind had spiraled out of control. Scarier than the sadness was the anxiety, I did not know where it came from, or recognize it until it was big and scary. I could not grocery shop without my heart racing, several times I couldn’t finish. I raced to the check out, I raced home and shut the door like I was being chased. I did not want to go anywhere; I didn’t want to do anything. I struggled to articulate it to my husband. He struggled to know how to help.

I cried often, I was angry, I was scared, I was all the dark emotions. The only thing that got me to work most days was the fact that Tim and I work in the same place. I spent most of the month with my office door closed because I could not do people. I wanted my home, my room, my bed, my quilt, my pillow, my sleep, my silence. It was a black month, I couldn’t even pray.

I saw my oncologist late in the month, toward the end of the appointment I casually mentioned I was feeling anxious. She spun her chair towards me, pulled up close and asked me to tell her about it. I did, I told her all of it. I told her about the black hole I was in and that I did not know how to get out. I told her how tired I was of feeling sad, and how I hated feeling anxious. I told her I was scared. I told her the depth of it that I had been afraid to utter, as if speaking it might make it more true or more real. She listened. Then she talked about some options, about how trauma can build up. She told me how common PTSD is in cancer patients. She did not tell me to snap out of it or get over it. She told me to give myself a break, not to be hard on myself, she told me I was going to be okay.

So, something happened, instead of making it more real, it was already as real as it was going to get, speaking it lifted a dark veil. Speaking it made it less scary, speaking it began the healing.

I am almost a year away from the blackest of it. I take medicine and supplements to support my health, all of my health. I talk as openly about my anxiety as I do my cancer. I want to help move mental health out of the shadows until we just say health, and don’t feel like we must qualify it as mental or physical.

Do I still have moments? Yep. Are they black? Nope. I have tools now to recognize it before it overtakes me. I am not foolish enough to think that it can’t happen again, but I am on my guard. I’m not ashamed to ask for help, I have a support group who now knows this struggle is part of me.

If any part of this is you, talk to someone, please.  It get’s less scary every time you say it out loud. For me every time I say it out loud I feel like I am feeding the “light” and starving the “dark”. What I feed grows.

May is mental health month, let’s take this stuff out of the shadows and the dark. Let’s make a mental check up as common as a physical or a teeth cleaning. Let’s take the stigma out of asking for help. Let’s give the gift of this freedom to the next generation. What if we could say, “I’m feeling anxious, I need to stop and take a few deep breaths” as easily as we say “I’m getting a headache, I need to rest my eyes for a few minutes”? What if . . .

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The Why’s and What If’s

Recently I have found myself wondering why Jason passed. Not that I did not wonder, always, but I had to quickly put away the whys for fear I would get lost in them. I am at a place now that I can wonder and put it away before it overwhelms me. Progress, right?

I have heard so many stories of similar circumstances happening to others, and they survived. I wonder what was different about Jason’s illness. I think part of my questions because  I never really comprehended what was truly wrong with Jason. Was it his lungs that hurt his heart? Was it his heart that hurt his lungs? We were in this state of wondering for his whole hospital stay. It was decided in the end that it was his heart that hurt his lungs, but the diagnosis was so new I did not have time to digest it before he passed. So I wonder sometimes.

I even let myself go to the what ifs. What if he had stayed a few more days in the hospital? What if he had gone to a rehab center? In my heart of hearts I know that we were given a gift of a few more weeks with Jason. I know that Jason was ready for eternity and that he would have disliked his new way of living, with the so careful eating and the stress of how to pay for the mountain of prescriptions that he would have had. In my heart of hearts I know this was God’s timing. But there are days I wonder I ask what if.

I miss him. I miss my mom, I miss my dad, I miss my grandma. I have these feelings in moments now, not days. Progress again. I am healing, and it is only when I am feeling happy, and content that I can let myself dwell on these things long enough to write about them.

So today I want to say, I am happy and content. I know that God is good, all the time, like I have never known it before.

I survey this place I live and feel a peace in my heart. I love this little piece of land that is slowly being transformed. Jason’s garden is such a peaceful place to sit, the hummingbirds are such a gift to watch. We planted shade trees yesterday. Eleven of them. I can hardly wait for them to be big enough. Just walking around the yard and talking to my heavenly father gives me such a peace.

I love the man I wake up next to each day. He is such a gift. Sometimes when he reaches for me and gives me a little squeeze I am in awe that he still loves me, even after living with me. I have never known a love like this and some times it still takes my by surprise.

I am so proud of my daughter, I wonder where I would be today if she had not entered this world, she was a bit of a surprise, but again, God knew even then, I would need her. I am constantly amazed and in awe of the woman she has grown into. She is so full of grace and love for others. She is strong and independent, she is a woman that follows after God. I love her dearly and am proud that she calls me mom.

I sit here today with my heart full. I am full of joy, love, and contentment amidst the why’s and what if’s.