Tag Archives: Love

I had a day

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I had a day last week that I have been pondering, still unsure of where it came from and what to think of it. Maybe if I write it down I can process it a little better.

This day I wanted to take a break, it was more than that, but I am even having a hard time explaining how I felt. I wanted to not be a mom whose son was dead, I wanted to not be a manager, I did not want to knit, I did not want to not knit. I did not want to take a run, I did not want to not take a run. I did not want to sit out in Jason’s garden, I did not want the reason for it. I did not want to cry, I did not want to feel, I did not want to be sad, I did not want to be happy. I did not want to do anything, I did not want to be idle.

Does any of that make sense? I have heard the expression “stop the world and get off” but have never felt it like I felt it that day. I was at a loss with what to do with myself, I was restless and lifeless all at the same time.

So, I put on my favorite Christian praise station, put on my headphones and made myself take a run. I really did not want to, and I really did not want to not want to.(Hope that makes any kind of sense.)

This is what I sorted out on my run, the fireworks tents started going up this week, these mark the beginning of Jason’s end. I also realized that my favorite season will forever hold some sadness, I am a summer gal, but it holds some darkness now. (I don’t really like that.)

By the end of the run, I felt like I had run to the arms of my heavenly father and he held me close. I cried, we had a long talk. Then I sat in the arms of my husband and he held me close.The world was okay again.

I am a blessed woman, my amazing daughter is just that, amazing. My two step children remind me every day of the love between siblings, and they make me smile. I cannot say enough about my wonderful husband, he makes sure I live the most carefree life possible. He makes sure I feel loved and cherished. And last but certainly not least, my heavenly father who is never more than a breath away.

Yes, the world is okay again, I have regained my balance. I am truly blessed beyond measure.

Is. 43:1-2, 4
Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to Me!
That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you.
MSG

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Happy Father’s Day

Dad, Steve, Dave, & Bev - sea wall at San Diego

First to my Dad – I remember trips we took, places we saw, your humor and your aversion to camping. But we did it one summer, 6 weeks in that camper van, all of us sleeping in it every night all the way to Indiana and back. We survived. I remember driving down the highway in a station wagon and you eating as many cherries as you could, holding the pits in your mouth until you could hold no more, then in machine gun fashion spewing them out out the car window as you drove. I remember driving back from grandma’s in Richland and the huge blizzard in the gorge. we got in that fender bender, by the time you got back in the car one side of your face was coated with about 1/4 inch of ice. The first thing you said when your face thawed was “never again”.  And never again did we travel the gorge at that time of year. And then your love for my kids, how you cared for them and helped me so often as a single parent. Thank you for the love and example you were to all of us.

Paul & Jody in Rogue River 05

One thing I just remembered today as I was looking at some pictures, you loved photography. I remember you telling me how to compose a picture to give it depth. I wonder what your photography would have looked like had you been able to afford a nice camera? Love you and miss you, I am so glad you were there to welcome Jason to his heavenly home.

Jason 022steve & mendi

 

 

 

 

 

 

To my brothers, what great uncles you have been to my children, I don’t know if I can ever express to you my gratitude for the care and love you showered on my kids as they navigated life with out a dad. Dave, even without children of your own you have loved and cared for so many kids, you have been a great example of unconditional love. Steve, your example to my kids of  a daddy and godly father is something that I will be forever grateful for.

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Tom, papa, I can not tell you what it meant to me when you and Sammye “adopted” my kids. Your love of them is something I can never thank you enough for. What a godly example you have been to them.

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Last but not least, my husband, one thing that attracted me to you was the love you had for your kids, they are your heart. I had seen too many single dads fade from their kids every day lives. I was so impressed with your love and care of your kids, I knew I could trust you with my heart. Then you loved mine too, you are a wonderful “Dod”.

A letter to my son on this Mother’s Day

Jason

Dear Jason –

My heart overflows with things I want to say to you. You were my first, I truly did not know what I was doing with you, and you tested me from the first few minutes of your life. When they handed you to me I wanted to look at you all over, you had different ideas, you wanted to eat and you made your will very plain. You were loud and active. Even then I realize you were charting your own course.

As you grew I began to see the soft inside of that hard exterior, you had a heart like no ones I had seen. You loved everyone. You saw beyond the surface to the person beneath, you had such an eclectic collection of friends. I loved that about you.

What I want you to know today is that I miss you every day, but I am okay. People told me that pain would dull, I did not believe it. I thought I would always have this huge sharp pain every time I took a breath. God is good, when I think of you now it is with a smile of warm memories. God was gracious to let me be your mom for almost 30 years.

I wonder about you still, what life is like for you? How did it feel to take that first full breath of heaven? Know this today, that I miss you with every part of myself, but I am okay, I am happy, I am content.

I love you more than I have words for, I miss you as much.

Love you forever,

Mom

A letter to my step-children on this Mother’s Day

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Dear Katie and Scott –

I did not know you as babies or children. I was blessed to have you enter my life as adults. I know we were not looking for each other, but here we are.

I want to thank you for letting me love your dad. For sharing him with me. I want to thank you for putting up with my “different” ways, and accepting me in spite of them.

You are both wonderful adults and I count it a privilege to call you my step-children. I am grateful that you are part of my life, I love you both.

Love,

Dev

A letter to my daughter on this Mother’s Day

1 Dear Chelsey Anne –

The day you were born was an amazing day, you came into this world in a crazy backwards way. You scared us just a little bit, and then there you were in my arms. Pink, round and wide eyed. I was in awe that day. You were beautiful, your eyes were so big. You were quite the contrast to your older brother, soft, quiet and content. You slept through the night from the day we brought you home.

As you grew you carried that same soft, content spirit with you. Your beautiful long blond hair and big blue eyes brought you attention that you were so uncomfortable with. As you grew you became a beautiful thoughtful young woman that was equally beautiful on the inside.

One of my greatest and most often prayed prayers is  that you would grow to be a woman who sought God, and that you would grow to be an independent woman that was comfortable with who she was. God answered my prayers far beyond my dreams.

I am not sure where you got your steady confidence, it certainly was not from me, but I admire the way you live your life, and the people you surround yourself with.

I am so amazed that God gave me you, I cannot imagine my life without you. I love you more than I can say. You are my heart.

Chelsey

Love you always –

Mom

six years ago, today

14Not that many years ago this day, Valentine’s Day, was just a day. Not really dreaded, but not a day to really look forward to. I thought I had forfeited my right to romantic love years ago. There would be no romantic dinners, roses, or the hand of a true love in mine. I had stopped wishing for it long ago.

I was happy and content, I loved my life. I loved my children, I loved the friendship and love we shared. I loved my family and friends. This was enough.

Then one day, out of the blue, there he stood asking me to lunch, on Valentine’s Day, I opened my mouth to say no, and yes came out. I was shocked. A first date on Valentine’s Day? Really? What was I thinking?

The rest of the story is nothing short of a fairy tale to me. For almost half a century I had no idea that this kind of love existed. I am more in love than I thought was possible.

I will be forever grateful that my heart over-ruled my brain this day six years ago.

New Wedding Album Book

Some things that amaze me

New Wedding Album Book

On November 6th, 2009 Tim and I were married. It has been three years, in many ways it still feels new and fresh at the same time it feels like it has always been. Like we always were. I have been thinking lately about this love we have. About us and our life. I began making this list in my head and deiced I need to write it down. What I love about us, what makes me smile, what amazes me.

He sets the alarm in the mornings 15 minutes early so we have time to snuggle in the mornings. Every morning.

We end every day snuggling.

He reaches for me.

He will not go to sleep until he knows I am asleep.

He smiles at me.

He holds my hand.

He wants to spend time with me.

He hurts when I do.

He lets me be who I am.

We spend almost every hour of every day with each other and we are not tired of each other.

I miss him after I am away for a few hours.

I love who he is.

We can talk and talk and talk and never run out of stuff to say.

We can sit side by side and not say a word for hours.

I can’t walk past him without touching him.

He can’t sit next to me for very long without reaching over to touch me.

He loves me.

I love him.

He likes me.

I like him.

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