Tag Archives: fog

magic in the storm

IMG_6517aAll night the wind blew and the snow fell. We had not seen this kind of storm for years, maybe even a decade. We were house bound, except for a few walks around the house to shovel the walks, to make sure the bird feeders were stocked and the hummingbird feeders were not frozen.

On this morning I woke before the rest of the house. This was not unusual, I like the quiet of the house in the mornings. But this morning  I needed to bundle up a bit and take out the hummingbird feeder before I settled in with my cup of coffee. I stepped out on to the front porch with the feeder, and was met by Mr. Hummingbird. He sat and fed while I still held the feeder. I ever so slowly reached out my hand and stroked his back, he looked up, and continued to feed. When he had his fill, he flew off.

It was still storming all around me. I stood transfixed, in awe at the gift I had just been given.

Isn’t this just like God? With a storm raging all around, God gave me a very magical gift. Maybe if I stop raging back at the storms of my life and look for them, I might just fine that my most magical moments come in the midst of the storms.IMG_6584a

Wounded

IMG_5322

It has been a long time since I have posted here. I have written several posts, but never posted them. I write them and read them, and something does not ring true. If there is one thing I want to be on this blog is honest and transparent. So I did not post. I have come to think that my not posting is not really honest or transparent. It is hiding, plain and simple.

The truth is that I was struggling. Not something I want to say out loud, I want to be able to say that I feel great, that I am okay. I don’t want to be so open and say, I was sad. I was having a hard time staying connected to my friends and family. I don’t want to admit that if I could have stayed home in my room for days I would have. I don’t want to admit for all to see that I was on the edge of falling into a very dark hole.

I remember a long time ago, I was probably about 10, I fell and really banged up my knee. The wound was deep, but I knew that if my mom found out she would put some horrible medicine on it that stung like crazy, so I hid it. After some time it became infected, there was dirt and gravel trapped in the wound, I kept hiding it. One day my mom saw it, by this time it was greenish and full of puss. It required a trip to the doctor to have it reopened and cleaned out. How much better it would have been if I had just shared that wound with her in the beginning.

One of the things I am learning is that a wound hidden festers. The wound needs to be opened up and cleaned out. It needs exposure in order for it to heal properly. It needs medicine. So here today, I am opening up my wound. I am struggling with some anxiety and mild depression.

I really feel this depression is not the grieving process, but born from the grieving. Does that make sense? I feel like I am moving through the grieving process well, but there are physical injuries that happen to us when there is such a grief. These injuries are not visible, but real all the same.

A month ago I finally went to the doctor and spoke my pain out loud to the first person besides Tim. Even with Tim I was not as totally honest as I should have been about how sad I was feeling. I am taking a medication for a time and I must tell you the huge difference it has made. I realized I had not even been truly honest with myself.

Today, I feel so much more like myself than I have in a long time. And I share this to be honest, to ask for your continued prayers, and to encourage others that may be hiding festering wounds to expose them, ask for help, it is out there.

Things are much brighter these days. God has been so gracious and patient with me. Through this all he has held me close, whispered truth to me through his word, and been loving enough to give me the human arms of my husband to hold me when I could not feel my Heavenly Father’s.

I wish you a blessed Christmas season, filled with the love of family and friends, but most of all the love of our Savior.

IMG_5332

to cast and stand

spring

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. – 1 Peter 5:7

We often hear the phrase – God never gives us more than we can handle – but I think he does. I think he gives us too much so we will learn to lean on him – so we will run straight into his arms. He wants us to depend on him, he wants to be our strength.

How many times do I struggle with a problem, or an issue for days, before I finally give up and hand it over to God? Too many. By the time I do hand it over, I am beaten down, exhausted.

I dislike that feeling, I dislike feeling beat up, and tired. If only I would let go sooner, if only that were my first thought instead of my last.

I have been having bad dreams lately, about bad things happening to people I love. It shakes me up. I begin to let my mind wander to places it should not go. I let fear and anxiety creep in. This is not new to me, but since Jason passed it is scarier and more real. Thoughts of what would I do if? How could I possibly remain sane if?

I am trying to not just push these thoughts aside, but cast them. Cast them on my God who is ready to take my anxiety.

Somehow I get it in my head that I must be stronger, I must push forward, I must …. whatever.

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. – Ephesians 6:13

To stand – that is it. I am not required to run a race, or dance with joy, or do anything but stand. Sometimes that is all I can do, all the energy that I have. All I can do is stand, and that is okay.

So the challenge I put to myself today, for this week, is to cast, and stand.

Thankfulness interrupted

20120830-IMG_6436

I began the month of November wanting to write every day about all that I am thankful. I wanted to give more than just a quick sentence about each thing, but for some unknown reason I have been hit by a multitude of migraines over the last few weeks. This has really wiped me out. So I did not accomplish that goal of writing about each thing, but I did take the time to reflect on all that I have to be thankful for, which is much.

I have had migraines in the past, usually one every few months at the most. In the last 3 weeks I have had about 7 of them. I have been trying to figure the reasons for the sudden rash of migraines.

Some one suggested stress, at first I dismissed this. I keep thinking if it were stress then wouldn’t I have had them when Jason was in the hospital and then when he passed? Then I got to thinking, maybe I was too numb, maybe I am just now feeling the stress of it, maybe it has taken my body this long to catch up with reality.

I tend to handle tough events in this way; I go into what I will call control mode at a time of crisis. I get my list together, if only in my head, but there is a list, and then I act. I am calm and in control. I do what needs to be done, quickly and efficiently. Then when the crisis has passed, that is when I fall apart. When it is all over, I finally feel the reality of the thing.

When my mom passed, this was my first true tragedy, well besides my divorce, but when she passed, I acted. I gathered my children and moved in with my dad so he did not have to live alone. It wasn’t until six months later that I let myself feel the loss, and I fell apart, a little. I am a bit of a control freak so I don’t let myself fall apart easily, and then not for very long, especially when my kids were young.

When my dad had his last stroke, and Monica called me to the hospital. Again, I stood strong, dealt with the decisions that needed to be made. I watch my dad leave this earth for the arms of Jesus. This time though, Tim was there, making me take care of my needs also. This was very new and foreign to me, and still I did not let myself feel the impact until it was all over, and much later. It was months again, before I felt it fully. The fact that I had no earthly parents.

When my grandma passed 2 months after Jason, same story, different verse.

When my first marriage fell apart, with great determination, I gathered my children, we made a life and home. I did not fall apart, I was strong, I never let myself feel the full impact of this. Not until this wonderful man entered my life. I began to fall in love with him, and then all the hurt and pain I had not dealt with bubbled up to the surface. “Stuff”  long forgotten, so buried and that I had fooled myself into thinking I had dealt with it. 23 years later I finally began really dealing with the “stuff”. I am amazed that Tim hung around while I was sorting out the hurt. I am so grateful he did.

Then the most horrific tragedy I have ever been faced with, Jason’s passing. Again, I gathered my list, did what needed to be done. Marched through, quickly and efficiently because this is what I do. This is who I am. And maybe just now I am feeling it. The full impact. Don’t get me wrong, I have fallen apart many times, cried until I thought I might never stop. I have had my days of fog that I thought would never lift. But maybe just now, my body is feeling the stress of it. Maybe this is the way my body is dealing with the new reality. Maybe as we come up on this season of holidays where family and friends gather, I am feeling the full impact. I am not sure anyone ever deals with the loss of a child, but maybe this is a step in the process of healing. Letting go of the stress of it, maybe my body is dealing with the stress in this manner. Maybe by putting my feelings to words will help. Who knows, time will tell.

But this I know, I am thankful for this life my Heavenly Father has chosen for me. Yes, I am even thankful for all the crisis that he has given to me, for these things have made me who I am, and have lead me to this place now. This life I love. So while I have not written in detail about my thankful list, I want to say I am thankful for a Heavenly Father that sees me, and knows my name, and has carried me through it all to this place. I am thankful for the privilege of raising two amazing children to be amazing adults. I am thankful for the godly parents God gave me. I am thankful for the amazing life partner he gave me. Tim has been my rock, my steady in the storms of the last couple years.

This continues to be the cry of my heart, God is good, all the time. I am eternally grateful to him for this life of mine.

Morning vs. Mourning

Psalm 30:11& 12
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
 that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

I am forever grateful for the dawn of morning, even if there are patches of fog. (see yesterday’s post) Hope, renewed energy, peace, joy – come in the morning. A  fresh start, possibilities, and His mercies – every morning – they are new.

It’s a little foggy here –

Friday I read an amazing post Resting through the Fog. Hop over there and read it when you have a chance. Bonnie Gray wrote about the fog that comes in some seasons of our lives. It was just what I needed. I have been trying to put my finger on the “thing” that has been weighing me down lately.

Fog. Interesting stuff fog. It comes and goes. It is thick and thin. It can be incredibly beautiful, it can be grey, and lonely. It has been all those things to me lately. The fog that lifts suddenly and leaves me feeling euphoric. The fog that causes me to stop and think, and leaves me quiet and contemplative.

When I read Bonnie’s blog, I was reminded that God is in control of this. That sometimes he uses the fog to remind me to be still. Trust him, the sun will shine again. The fog will lift.

Her blog reminded me to not be so tough on myself when the fog settles in. Give myself permission to feel what I am feeling at the time.

She reminded me that itt is okay to only complete one task on the long list. This is a tough one for me. I want to be the perfect wife, dinner every night, spotless house, and full of energy. I can’t be this right now, and I need to rest in His love and my husbands love and know that for this season, this is okay.

Today the fog is lifted, my head is clear, I have a task or two to complete. I will enjoy this today. I don’t know what tomorrow brings, but I do know, God is in control. He sees me, knows me, loves me. He will lead me in or out of the fog. I will try to learn to rest in him, because I know God is good, all the time.