Tag Archives: flowers

futile to resist

I could feel it yesterday, tugging at my soul. I tried to resist, it is not time yet. I have so many “inside” projects yet to finish.

But it kept nagging, poking at my heart. It was calling me, “come on, just a little time, just a little yard work, you know you want to. . .” I gave in. I found the promise of spring all over the yard.

Mr. Hummingbird greeted me at the back door, as he often does.

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Buds on trees.

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Flowers wanting to burst forth.

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Even lowly weeds, heralding the promise.

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Babies frolicking in the meadow.

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It is on its way . . .

Spring!

My new life . . .

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A lifetime ago, I skipped my way through spring and ran toward summer, arms open wide. My hands in the dirt, anxiously waiting for those little green sprouts to peak up through the brown dirt. My excitement about growing things and being outside in the sun knew no bounds.

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That was a lifetime ago, in my new life, I run toward summer, but there is a sharp pain in my chest. I push on; I love this time of year. My heart hurts. I stop and take a deep breath; the pain does not go away. I push on, skipping, running. The pain is still there. I push on.

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I want to love summer in the carefree way I always have, but the reality is that I will never again skip through spring and run toward summer in the same way. There will always be the pain.

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In this new life I continue to look at the amazing things that spring and summer bring with a sense of awe and wonder; the sounds of hummingbird wings, the smell of honeysuckle, and the feel of the sun on my shoulders. I will still skip and run, but the wonder of summer is tempered by the pain in my heart, in this . . . my new life.

time out

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He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart; Isaiah 40:11

For the last two days I have been in self imposed time out. I have been waking up from nightmares in a panic attack. I could live with that, however unwelcome, but Monday at work I fought them off all day. Some what successfully, I hope. I gulped down sobs all day. Some what successfully, I hope.

So I took a time out, to regroup, recharge. To focus on what is going on inside my head and heart. Alone, with God, time to just dig down deep, really to rebuild some reserves. I am short on that, emotional reserve. I had run out, I had not a drop of reserve left. These last two days have been  much needed.

I have re-remembered somethings these last two days. I need to get my body moving, I need to get those natural endorphins flowing. Movement is a great stress reliever also. I need to be more open and ask for help before I get to meltdown. I need to take a few steps back every once in a while. I need to recharge on a more regular basis. I am still not sure how that looks, I can’t just drop out of life on regular intervals, but I know that I need to take some time regularly to recharge. I need to remember to ask my heavenly Father for help on a more regular basis, I need to really rest in his arms and let him carry me. I need to be more honest about how I really am inside, and not pretend that everything is okay, when it isn’t.

I am just about ready to face the world again tomorrow,renewed, rested and recharged.

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but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

It’s a little foggy here –

Friday I read an amazing post Resting through the Fog. Hop over there and read it when you have a chance. Bonnie Gray wrote about the fog that comes in some seasons of our lives. It was just what I needed. I have been trying to put my finger on the “thing” that has been weighing me down lately.

Fog. Interesting stuff fog. It comes and goes. It is thick and thin. It can be incredibly beautiful, it can be grey, and lonely. It has been all those things to me lately. The fog that lifts suddenly and leaves me feeling euphoric. The fog that causes me to stop and think, and leaves me quiet and contemplative.

When I read Bonnie’s blog, I was reminded that God is in control of this. That sometimes he uses the fog to remind me to be still. Trust him, the sun will shine again. The fog will lift.

Her blog reminded me to not be so tough on myself when the fog settles in. Give myself permission to feel what I am feeling at the time.

She reminded me that itt is okay to only complete one task on the long list. This is a tough one for me. I want to be the perfect wife, dinner every night, spotless house, and full of energy. I can’t be this right now, and I need to rest in His love and my husbands love and know that for this season, this is okay.

Today the fog is lifted, my head is clear, I have a task or two to complete. I will enjoy this today. I don’t know what tomorrow brings, but I do know, God is in control. He sees me, knows me, loves me. He will lead me in or out of the fog. I will try to learn to rest in him, because I know God is good, all the time.

Letting go

This week has been a tough one. Even after trying to process why all day yesterday, I have  not been able to put my finger on any one thing. I have been moody, and tears have been just a  blink away. But I think I have narrowed it down.

The rain has started, after a long beautifully sunny summer and early fall. Thursday evening, we put summer away. Tim did what was probably the last mow of the season. I moved any furniture that was outside to the inside. I zipped up the swing. I cried. For some reason I am not ready, even yet, to put summer away and let fall take its place.

I have moved my weekend early morning routine to the attic. I love this space, but I miss the garden and the hummingbirds.

I realized yesterday that I have not taken pictures of this beautiful fall we have been having. I am already sorry for that, the colors have been brilliant. The leaves have hung on longer this year, probably because of the dry weather.

I know by clinging to summer I have missed some of the beauty of fall, but I don’t seem to want to let go. It feels as if something precious is being ripped from me.

As I finish this post, I am watching the most beautiful sunrise unfold from my attic window. I am sitting in my grandmother’s 70’s orange rocking chair, wrapped in a blanket made by her for me. It is kind of like a hug from heaven.

Today I will practice letting go, I will say good bye to summer. I will practice embracing this fall that will soon turn to winter. My hanging on does not change the fact that the seasons are changing, it just makes me miserable.
Today I let go, a little more.

Not there yet

Yesterday I had plans to go to a friend’s daughter’s baby shower. There would have been several friends that I have seen only minimally since Jason’s passing. It would be good to see them again. I was looking forward to seeing them, talking, laughing and enjoying their company.

The day before I spent a good chunk of the day making the gift, I was pretty happy with how it turned out. I wrapped it. I was set to go.

Then yesterday morning as I sat out on the garden swing, which is my habit on weekend mornings, I began to notice things about myself. I was knitting like my life depended on it. (This is the way I knitted for months after Jason passed.) My heart was beating faster than normal. I was jittery. I felt a little claustrophobic. I realized I was feeling extremely  anxious about going to this shower.

I argued with myself for a long time, I wanted to go. The more I tried to talk myself out of these feelings the worse I felt. I sent my daughter a text to tell her I wasn’t going, and to apologize to the hostess. Immediately I felt calm. My breathing slowed, I cried.

I realize that I still have some healing to do, and some things to work on. So I will work on these things, and look for more places that need patching. I will look to the Great Physician for his healing touch.

I have given myself permission to take the time it takes.

And I know that I will heal, I will be whole again.

 

A Million Ways

I think about this all the time, the million ways that God show me he cares for me and loves me. I wish I could explain the way I feel when I walk around the yard. It is almost a holy feeling, the presence of God in all that surrounds me. I think that is why I take pictures, I want to capture it and share it. I wonder if others feel it like I do.

I am sitting in Jason’s garden this morning, watching the hummingbirds feed. They seem to have come to some understanding since yesterday morning. Yesterday they about took my head off a couple times fighting over the “territory”. There are 3, with one very dominate, mouthy one. She normally does not tolerate the others feeding. She chases the male off most of the time, but this morning she seems to be okay with him hanging around. The third one comes and goes briefly, no guess to whether it is male or female. For that matter I am not really sure which is male or female, I just imagine the mouthy one is female. 🙂 In these birds, that give me so much pleasure, is one of the million ways I feel God’s presence and love.

I see and feel Him in so many things that I experience just in my yard.

Yesterday He sent me a little love in the form of a video from my nephew, it is an amazing tribute to Jason. You can find it here. (Collin did all the vocals in this.)

Yesterday morning I felt like I was sent an other little love note from God, I came out to Jason’s garden and found this little guy. Jason collected frogs. It felt like a little postcard from God, reminding me of the million ways he loves me.

There are so many ways, Chelsey, other family, friends, friends,  too many to count . . . millions. One of the big and everyday ways I feel God’s love is the gift of this man. I love him more each day and can not imagine having gone through this last year without him. I thank God everyday for bringing him to me and allowing him to love me.

Not a day goes by that I do not feel God, and the million ways.

Musings 10 months later

Today is 10 months from the day we lost Jason. This is such a curious statement. He isn’t really lost, I know where he is. But is is so much easier to say than he is dead. That statement is not really true – he is eternally alive, more alive than if he were here on earth with us now.

I have had the question put to me, wouldn’t it be wonderful if  you could wish Jason back? Honestly, how could I wish that? If I believe that heaven is what the Bible says it is, how could I wish anyone away from that place?

Heaven: the eternal glory of God, streets of gold, a place prepared personally by Jesus, no pain, no sadness, no worries, surrounded by friends and family who have gone on before. Why would I wish that away? I could not. (Revelation 21:10-27)

Do I miss Jason? Yes, from the very core of my being, but wish him back? No, I wish for one more hug, one more smile, one more I love you, but I don’t wish him back.

So today as I remember the amazing man he became, I picture him, singing praises with his amazing strong voice. I see him surrounded by children, they always seemed to seek him out here on earth, I imagine the same there. I see him with my mom, dad and all four of my grandparents. I see him free of the burdens that weighed him down in this life, student loans, job searching, trying to figure out what God really wanted him to do.What his purpose was here on earth. Today he knows and is fulfilling his purpose.

Yes I miss him, I mourn for him, but I rejoice for him. My heart is not troubled, I will see him again. I hold to this promise:
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Let not your heart be troubled: you believe in God, believe also in me. 2In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you to myself; that where I am, there you may be also.

I want you to know I write this today with tears streaming down my face, it is hard some days. It is not always easy to rejoice for Jason, but I choose to. I choose joy, I choose peace, I choose to continue to believe in a good and loving Father. These are choices, we all are faced with every day. So the one or two things I would leave you with is, choose joy, choose to believe that God is good all the time. It is real and true, and sometimes it is not a feeling that comes naturally, but a choice to be made every day.

God is good, all the time. He can not be anything else.

First Mother’s Day since . . .

I am having such mixed feelings about tomorrow. I am missing Jason a lot. I will miss his big hug tomorrow. There is a hole in my heart that will be there forever. It is healing, it is not raw but it is scaring over. But it is a hole none the less. I continue to not only believe but know that God is good all the time, and that Jason is right where God planned him to be from the beginning of time.

The exciting part is that I get to spend the day with Chelsey, driving wherever the car takes us. I am sure the coast will be a stop. I am so proud of her, she has grown into an amazing woman. God has great things for her!

I know on this, I am a blessed momma. God gave me 2 amazing children that became amazing adults.

My cup runneth over.

 

I’m still here

I have written many blogs in my head over these last few months, just could not get them actually written here. So much to write, too much emotion to write it.

I feel like I turned a small corner in the healing process this weekend. No particular reason that I can think of but I feel better, more healed. I have been compulsively knitting since August. It has kept me from thinking too much, dwelling too much. This weekend I realized that I am knitting for pleasure now. I am not sure when that happened. I love to knit, I love the feel quality wool yarn in my hands, I love to see the progress each row makes. Knitting got me through some tough dark days, the rhythm of it calmed me, kept my mind still.

I am beginning to miss my photography, that is a new feeling. I have not really missed it since August, I kept taking pictures because I knew I would want to again. I wanted to want to, I just didn’t. I am missing it a little.

They are planting the the fields around us, that gives me hope that spring will be here again. We will have summer again. I feel like I skipped summer this last year, I am anxious to feel the warm sun on my back as I work in the garden.

I’m going to try to write more, I am not the best blogger the begin with, you should have got that by the name of the blog. But I want to try to go back an write more about this last 6 months.

God is good , all the time.

I’m still here