Tag Archives: Blessed

My Word

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About this time last year I began searching for “my word” for the next year. After praying and thinking the word grateful chose me. It has been an amazing journey this year with this word in the forefront of my mind.

At work I put a very large paper on the door to my office, I placed sharpies next to the door. At the top of the page it said “Today I am thankful for . . . .” Every day I have written something, the surprising and wonderful thing that happened next was; others joined in. The pages filled up with not just my gratefulness, but the thankfulness of others. I can hardly express how this blessed my heart, the way it adjusted my day before it even started. I now have 7 or 8 of these 2×3 foot sheets of paper of gratitude. I am indeed blessed.

I have so much to be thankful for, a loving husband that cares for me, a marriage that is a joy and blessing, an amazing family who is serving God each in their own ways. Amazing beautiful children both natural and step, the knowledge that one day I will feel the huge bear hug that I miss so much.

As I begin this month I am beginning to search for next year’s word. A word for me that also has the ability to impact others around me. Have you tried this? Choosing a word to focus on for the year? This will be my third year, check out this site http://oneword365.com/, there are many ideas here, and the story behind it. One word instead of resolutions.

I am most grateful for the love of my Jesus, who allows all these amazing gifts in my life.

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Skippidy doo da

wedding day 1

My birthday month has come to a close I have been thinking about the amazing gifts my husband has given to me, not just this last month but from the beginning of us.

I am loved with no expectations, and I have been from the very beginning. When we started dating I really did love my single life, I told him so. I told him that I did not want a serious relationship, I did not ever plan to marry again. He loved me anyway, gently and consistently. No pushing, no expectations, just there accepting me.

Freedom to be exactly me, my husband has loved me for who I am and has never tried to change me. That is such a gift. The next two gifts come in the same wrapping. Knowledge that I am enough. Finally coming to myself. I am 56 years old, I am finally comfortable in my own skin, and I have finally realized that I am who God created me to be. This man has shown me more about how God loves me that any other.

Because of the three gifts above I feel safe. Safe to try new things, to be exactly me, to feel what I feel, to say what I need to say. This is an incredible gift, I have rarely felt this in my life. I have always felt I needed to measure myself, whether real or imagined I did not feel safe enough to really be me.

I can totally invest myself (and $) into a thing that I want to try. Over these last 5 years I have tried so many new things, knitting, soap making, building with pallets, photography and running just to name a few. I have not heard once that I am investing too much. That I am spending too much time or money, nor have I heard one word when I have decided that this particular thing is not for me. He is my cheerleader through all of it.

I have learned to truly relax and to let things go, I don’t have to always be in motion. I don’t have to complete a project the same day I start it. I have learned patience and to pace myself. Gently he taught me these things. It is amazingly freeing and calming. He has taught me the value of total quiet, the peace and comfort of being able to sit next to a person in total silence in peace and not feel like the quiet needs to be filled.

Waking to snuggles every morning and falling to sleep with snuggles every night. This everyday occurrence helps me to let go of the day and readies me to start a new one. I cannot even begin to tell you what a wonderful gift this is.

Really the point of this post is to publicly thank my husband for being the amazing man he is. To thank him for all the amazing gifts he gives me not just for my birthday, but each and every day. They are far more valuable than any material thing.

Skippidy doo da thank you
Lord for makin’ him for me
And thank you for letting life turn out the way
That I always thought it could be

There once was a time, that I could not imagine
How it would feel to say I’m the happiest girl in the whole U.S.A.

Tim, I never thought it possible to grow more in love with time, I did not know that this existed, when you said five years ago that we would be amazing I had no idea. Life with you is amazing. Thank you for all you do for me, especially this time of year. Thank you for loving me as I am. Just when I think I could not possibly love you more, a new day dawns. I love you more than I can say.

Learning to live with and without

908919_10151513901549717_759179977_nI can’t believe it has been over a month since I last sat down to write. I intended on writing more, on being more consistent in my blogging. This writing has become a sort of therapy for me. This blog has become place to put my feelings, discoveries and memories. I often go back and read previous posts, they help me put into perspective where I am now emotionally.When I go a long time between posts I guess I am taking longer to process the new lessons or discoveries.

Looking at past posts make me realize how much I have healed and that I have come a long way from the despair I was feeling. When I feel like I have not made progress, or I haven’t grown, I go back and read a bit, and I realize that God has been so gracious to me. He has lead me on path, and even when it was as dark as night, he was there. He was tenderly leading me to a healing that I thought could never happen.

I recently read an article by a Bereaved Mother. It was written so well and I would like to challenge you to follow this link Bereaved Mother  and take a few minutes to read it. It is short and even if it does not apply to you at the least it can bring understanding.

Another article I read this week, that really spoke to me as well as helping me sort out some things in my mind and soul.  (Find it here My Grief Will Last a Lifetime. ) Like this mother, I had always thought that grief was something to “get over”.  I thought I would walk through it and be “cured” of it. I have had other grief in my life, both of my parents have passed, but the grief of losing a child is nothing like that or any other grief I have felt. As I read this article I realized that grief will be a part of me for the rest of my life. This discovery has been somewhat freeing. While my grief has changed from a gaping open wound, to a scab, and will eventually change to a scar, it is something I will wear for the rest of my life.

As I thought about this article I came to understand, I can grieve and live a fulfilled and happy life. I can grieve while being happy and carefree; yes I can even dance through life with grief sitting beside me. I believe that I will grieve for the rest of my life. I will miss Jason until I am reunited with him. I am learning to live with the grief without being sad. I am learning that grief can live with me without dragging me into a dark place. Grief will be one of my life long companions. But I am so blessed to have not only had the opportunity to have known Jason, but I had the amazing blessing of being mom to such an awesome man.

I miss Jason more than I can express, and sometimes the missing him is bigger than I am. But when you see me happy and carefree, laughing and enjoying the people around me, it is not that I am forgetting or that I am done grieving, it is that I am learning to live without him, and I am learning to live with it.

I will echo the sentiment of the article (My Grief Will Last a Lifetime) – don’t pity me, don’t be sad for me, for I am blessed beyond what I deserve.

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