Category Archives: spring

The day before THE Day – Revisited

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Good Morning – On this day before “The Day” I want to revisit my blog from last year. On this day especially since the death of my son, I think of how Jesus’ closest friends and family must felt, how sad and hopeless. And then there was Sunday!

We celebrate Good Friday, we worship in eternal gratefulness Resurrection Sunday, but there is a day in between. This morning I was thinking of this day in between. What was that day like?

We often give Jesus’ followers a bad rap, we talk about how they did not believe, how they hid away. This day in between must have been so confusing. Their King, friend, teacher, Shepard had died before their very eyes. I’m sure they all had stories in their heads about how Jesus’ capture and crucifixion would go. Think about it, if you walked with him every day and saw the incredible miracles how would you imagine the end? I think I would imagine Jesus’ saving himself, or God’s army of angels giving those soldiers what they rightfully deserved. I know I would have been in that room with all the others trying to make sense of what I just saw. How can you make sense of that with our earthly bound, finite minds. We often can’t make sense of the death of a loved one who was not God, how could you make sense of God in human form dying?

I don’t blame them for hiding out, for being confused. At the very least taking time to re-group. Grief is a strong powerful thing to our human minds, sometimes it takes hiding out, returning to the familiar to get our bearings.

On this day in between I wonder, what was happening? Was Martha making sure everyone was fed? Was Mary sitting in a corner of the room weeping? What were the disciples thinking? Were the discussions amid their grief centered around what’s next? Were they feeling left behind, a little betrayed? Were they wondering if the last few years were real? This just did not happen like they thought it might.

If we are honest would not we have reacted in the same manner? I know I would have gone to the familiar to re-group, maybe even hide. I know I would have been wondering if I had just given the last few years of my life to a dream that just blew up. I think about the things of so much less magnitude that shake our faith, make us doubt, Jesus’ followers were human with feelings like ours. Let’s give them a little grace this season, understand how confused and grief stricken they were.

Take a minute, try to imagine what this day in between held, what you would be feeling and doing. Then celebrate with all of creation for the next day, the day that brought unbelievable, uncontainable joy to all.

Have a blessed Resurrection Day!

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Nothing

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So much like an early snow storm.

Many thoughts are swirling around my mind

Nothing sticks.

So I think everything and write nothing.

My Race

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Yesterday I wrote about running, and that I was committing to this activity, and making myself accountable by telling others my intentions. I wrote about some lessons I had learned in the first week. My desire is to also learn God lessons from this experience.

God lesson #1 – Just like I have to run my own mile, and not compare my mile to someone else’s, I have to walk my walk with God. Not someone else’s, mine. I should not compare my God walk/run with others. It is so tempting to look at someone else’s race and envy the “easy” race they have to run. The truth is I don’t know what waits around the bend for them, or what horrible dark valley they have come out of. The path I was given to run is my own. There have been bumps, times of pure despair, times of great rejoicing, and carefree running. But whatever turn in the road God has for me is mine to run without comparison to other’s path.

God lesson #2 – I should not try to look too far ahead on my God run. Just a few steps, just enough to not trip. If I knew all that was going to happen, how could I love and enjoy the moment of now? I would fret and worry, and miss the joy of the moment. If I had known that when my daughter was 6 months old I would find myself single, would I have missed out on this incredible woman? If I had known that I would live through the pain of losing my son at early in his life, would I have missed those amazing 30 years? God graciously does not allow me to see all that is ahead on my run. He allows me to see just enough.

My race is my race.

 

futile to resist

I could feel it yesterday, tugging at my soul. I tried to resist, it is not time yet. I have so many “inside” projects yet to finish.

But it kept nagging, poking at my heart. It was calling me, “come on, just a little time, just a little yard work, you know you want to. . .” I gave in. I found the promise of spring all over the yard.

Mr. Hummingbird greeted me at the back door, as he often does.

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Buds on trees.

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Flowers wanting to burst forth.

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Even lowly weeds, heralding the promise.

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Babies frolicking in the meadow.

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It is on its way . . .

Spring!

My new life . . .

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A lifetime ago, I skipped my way through spring and ran toward summer, arms open wide. My hands in the dirt, anxiously waiting for those little green sprouts to peak up through the brown dirt. My excitement about growing things and being outside in the sun knew no bounds.

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That was a lifetime ago, in my new life, I run toward summer, but there is a sharp pain in my chest. I push on; I love this time of year. My heart hurts. I stop and take a deep breath; the pain does not go away. I push on, skipping, running. The pain is still there. I push on.

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I want to love summer in the carefree way I always have, but the reality is that I will never again skip through spring and run toward summer in the same way. There will always be the pain.

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In this new life I continue to look at the amazing things that spring and summer bring with a sense of awe and wonder; the sounds of hummingbird wings, the smell of honeysuckle, and the feel of the sun on my shoulders. I will still skip and run, but the wonder of summer is tempered by the pain in my heart, in this . . . my new life.

Learning to live with and without

908919_10151513901549717_759179977_nI can’t believe it has been over a month since I last sat down to write. I intended on writing more, on being more consistent in my blogging. This writing has become a sort of therapy for me. This blog has become place to put my feelings, discoveries and memories. I often go back and read previous posts, they help me put into perspective where I am now emotionally.When I go a long time between posts I guess I am taking longer to process the new lessons or discoveries.

Looking at past posts make me realize how much I have healed and that I have come a long way from the despair I was feeling. When I feel like I have not made progress, or I haven’t grown, I go back and read a bit, and I realize that God has been so gracious to me. He has lead me on path, and even when it was as dark as night, he was there. He was tenderly leading me to a healing that I thought could never happen.

I recently read an article by a Bereaved Mother. It was written so well and I would like to challenge you to follow this link Bereaved Mother  and take a few minutes to read it. It is short and even if it does not apply to you at the least it can bring understanding.

Another article I read this week, that really spoke to me as well as helping me sort out some things in my mind and soul.  (Find it here My Grief Will Last a Lifetime. ) Like this mother, I had always thought that grief was something to “get over”.  I thought I would walk through it and be “cured” of it. I have had other grief in my life, both of my parents have passed, but the grief of losing a child is nothing like that or any other grief I have felt. As I read this article I realized that grief will be a part of me for the rest of my life. This discovery has been somewhat freeing. While my grief has changed from a gaping open wound, to a scab, and will eventually change to a scar, it is something I will wear for the rest of my life.

As I thought about this article I came to understand, I can grieve and live a fulfilled and happy life. I can grieve while being happy and carefree; yes I can even dance through life with grief sitting beside me. I believe that I will grieve for the rest of my life. I will miss Jason until I am reunited with him. I am learning to live with the grief without being sad. I am learning that grief can live with me without dragging me into a dark place. Grief will be one of my life long companions. But I am so blessed to have not only had the opportunity to have known Jason, but I had the amazing blessing of being mom to such an awesome man.

I miss Jason more than I can express, and sometimes the missing him is bigger than I am. But when you see me happy and carefree, laughing and enjoying the people around me, it is not that I am forgetting or that I am done grieving, it is that I am learning to live without him, and I am learning to live with it.

I will echo the sentiment of the article (My Grief Will Last a Lifetime) – don’t pity me, don’t be sad for me, for I am blessed beyond what I deserve.

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Thankfulness continuing . . .

I am behind again, so here I go catching up, thankful again for the quiet mornings that allow for reflection.

Thirteen: This may seem a little strange, I am grateful for knitting. I can’t tell you what this simple act does for my mind and soul. There were days after Jason passed that the simpleness of knit, purl, knit, purl were what kept me sane. I am so grateful God gave me an activity that calms me and is so rewarding at the same time.

Fourteen: Technology isn’t it a wonderful thing? In this day and age we can connect to people everywhere. I can keep up with my family far away, I have made many new friends that I will probably never meet on earth. It is an amazing thing.

Fifteen: Music, I am sitting here this morning worshiping with some of the most beautiful music playing in the background. I can not imagine what this world would be like with out music.

Sixteen: I’m going to be a little silly here but I am  thankful for coffee. I love the comfort of holding the warm mug while collecting my thoughts in these quiet mornings. The feeling of the warm liquid passing through my mouth and down my throat. Oh, and the smell, yum.

Seventeen: I am thankful for the rain we are having, it means flowers in the spring. We are about to get a lot of this rain, it makes for cozy afternoons sitting next to the love of my life.

Eighteen: I am really thankful for naps, it is a wonderful feeling, curling up beside Tim in the afternoon and feeling his arm around me while a drift off. I love afternoon naps.