Category Archives: Fall

It’s a little foggy here –

Friday I read an amazing post Resting through the Fog. Hop over there and read it when you have a chance. Bonnie Gray wrote about the fog that comes in some seasons of our lives. It was just what I needed. I have been trying to put my finger on the “thing” that has been weighing me down lately.

Fog. Interesting stuff fog. It comes and goes. It is thick and thin. It can be incredibly beautiful, it can be grey, and lonely. It has been all those things to me lately. The fog that lifts suddenly and leaves me feeling euphoric. The fog that causes me to stop and think, and leaves me quiet and contemplative.

When I read Bonnie’s blog, I was reminded that God is in control of this. That sometimes he uses the fog to remind me to be still. Trust him, the sun will shine again. The fog will lift.

Her blog reminded me to not be so tough on myself when the fog settles in. Give myself permission to feel what I am feeling at the time.

She reminded me that itt is okay to only complete one task on the long list. This is a tough one for me. I want to be the perfect wife, dinner every night, spotless house, and full of energy. I can’t be this right now, and I need to rest in His love and my husbands love and know that for this season, this is okay.

Today the fog is lifted, my head is clear, I have a task or two to complete. I will enjoy this today. I don’t know what tomorrow brings, but I do know, God is in control. He sees me, knows me, loves me. He will lead me in or out of the fog. I will try to learn to rest in him, because I know God is good, all the time.

Letting go

This week has been a tough one. Even after trying to process why all day yesterday, I have  not been able to put my finger on any one thing. I have been moody, and tears have been just a  blink away. But I think I have narrowed it down.

The rain has started, after a long beautifully sunny summer and early fall. Thursday evening, we put summer away. Tim did what was probably the last mow of the season. I moved any furniture that was outside to the inside. I zipped up the swing. I cried. For some reason I am not ready, even yet, to put summer away and let fall take its place.

I have moved my weekend early morning routine to the attic. I love this space, but I miss the garden and the hummingbirds.

I realized yesterday that I have not taken pictures of this beautiful fall we have been having. I am already sorry for that, the colors have been brilliant. The leaves have hung on longer this year, probably because of the dry weather.

I know by clinging to summer I have missed some of the beauty of fall, but I don’t seem to want to let go. It feels as if something precious is being ripped from me.

As I finish this post, I am watching the most beautiful sunrise unfold from my attic window. I am sitting in my grandmother’s 70’s orange rocking chair, wrapped in a blanket made by her for me. It is kind of like a hug from heaven.

Today I will practice letting go, I will say good bye to summer. I will practice embracing this fall that will soon turn to winter. My hanging on does not change the fact that the seasons are changing, it just makes me miserable.
Today I let go, a little more.

I am standing

Yesterday was the memorial service of a woman that I did not know, Amy Britton. She is the daughter of Mike Britton, a teacher I had at Salem Academy. She passed from a heart attack, she was young. I am sitting here and tears fill my eyes and roll down my face, as I think of this family waking this morning with out this daughter, sister, mother and friend. My heart goes out to them, my prayers go up for them.

Feelings come rushing back to me as I remember the shock, the pain, and the numbness of those first weeks and months. I realize just how merciful God is in the numbness, letting us feel things slowly as we can handle it. I think now that if I did not have the numbness and I had felt everything, comprehended everything, I would have died of a broken heart. God is good this way, metering out the “stuff” as we are ready so that it does not overwhelm us.

When the waves of realization and comprehension come crashing over me, they do not overwhelm me. They do not knock me down.  They may push me a little off balance, but I stand, even if a little wobbly, I stand.

I am standing.

I stand because I know, with out a doubt, God is good – all the time.

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning . . .       Lam. 3:22

The Why’s and What If’s

Recently I have found myself wondering why Jason passed. Not that I did not wonder, always, but I had to quickly put away the whys for fear I would get lost in them. I am at a place now that I can wonder and put it away before it overwhelms me. Progress, right?

I have heard so many stories of similar circumstances happening to others, and they survived. I wonder what was different about Jason’s illness. I think part of my questions because  I never really comprehended what was truly wrong with Jason. Was it his lungs that hurt his heart? Was it his heart that hurt his lungs? We were in this state of wondering for his whole hospital stay. It was decided in the end that it was his heart that hurt his lungs, but the diagnosis was so new I did not have time to digest it before he passed. So I wonder sometimes.

I even let myself go to the what ifs. What if he had stayed a few more days in the hospital? What if he had gone to a rehab center? In my heart of hearts I know that we were given a gift of a few more weeks with Jason. I know that Jason was ready for eternity and that he would have disliked his new way of living, with the so careful eating and the stress of how to pay for the mountain of prescriptions that he would have had. In my heart of hearts I know this was God’s timing. But there are days I wonder I ask what if.

I miss him. I miss my mom, I miss my dad, I miss my grandma. I have these feelings in moments now, not days. Progress again. I am healing, and it is only when I am feeling happy, and content that I can let myself dwell on these things long enough to write about them.

So today I want to say, I am happy and content. I know that God is good, all the time, like I have never known it before.

I survey this place I live and feel a peace in my heart. I love this little piece of land that is slowly being transformed. Jason’s garden is such a peaceful place to sit, the hummingbirds are such a gift to watch. We planted shade trees yesterday. Eleven of them. I can hardly wait for them to be big enough. Just walking around the yard and talking to my heavenly father gives me such a peace.

I love the man I wake up next to each day. He is such a gift. Sometimes when he reaches for me and gives me a little squeeze I am in awe that he still loves me, even after living with me. I have never known a love like this and some times it still takes my by surprise.

I am so proud of my daughter, I wonder where I would be today if she had not entered this world, she was a bit of a surprise, but again, God knew even then, I would need her. I am constantly amazed and in awe of the woman she has grown into. She is so full of grace and love for others. She is strong and independent, she is a woman that follows after God. I love her dearly and am proud that she calls me mom.

I sit here today with my heart full. I am full of joy, love, and contentment amidst the why’s and what if’s.

Precious Nuggets

This morning I am sitting in the garden, I am realizing this may be one of the last mornings I will be here in this quiet place. It is a bit chilly. It makes me a bit sad. I love sitting here listing to the birds, watching the hummingbirds flit around. I will miss this routine.

A good friend of Jason’s posted this on his Facebook wall for his birthday. “She was no longer wrestling with grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts.” – George Elliot.  She went on to write “Jason, you are missed. Not in storms of weeping, not in cries of pain, but in quiet ways on everyday.” – JW

I did not see it until yesterday. I am not sure how I missed it, but the timing of seeing it yesterday was amazing. I had just been thinking over this last week, that I seem to be having more sad days, not really even whole days but moments. I have been trying to figure out why. It dawned on me yesterday.

Tim and I took a drive to Tillamook, with the ultimate destination Lincoln City for a concert in the evening. Whenever I go to that part of the coast I can not help but think about the many times Chelsey, Jason and I toured the cheese factory there. How Jason loved cheese curds. When I am near there, I always want to stop at a little fruit stand near Beaver. We stopped yesterday, and as I wandered around I wondered to myself why I was there. This fruit stand is not particularly a favorite, the service lacks something. It is disorganized, and expensive. As I was looking and trying to figure out why I always have to stop there, I remembered. This was one of Jason’s favorite stops, not because he loved fruit or veggies, but they have a hot sauce bar with about 30 different sauces to sample. Jason loved this, he would stand there and sample and sample and sample. Eventually he would pick a favorite and buy it, but oh he loved his hot sauces.

I realized in that moment why I am having these moment more often. It is not just that this is the one year, it is that for many months as memories came to me I would wrap them up and put them away to be looked at another time.  Precious nuggets, to be dealt with later, I could not give them more than a quick glance. I was sure I would unravel.

I am finding now that I am unwrapping some of those memories, one or two at a time, looking at them, feeling them, enjoying them.  I will take these precious nuggets, examine them,  polish them, hold them in my heart, and proudly display them on the shelf of my mind. Yes, they will make me sad at times, but they are too precious to keep locked up. This is part of my healing.

Thankful Heart

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the
LORD in the land of the living. PSA 27:13.

This is the month we focus on being thankful, and I have so many thing to be thankful for:

Every year I start off being thankful for my kids, they have been such a blessing to me. They grew to be amazing adults that love God, and serve him. This year is no different.

I am so thankful for Chelsey, she is an amazing women of God. Wonderfully independent, and a good friend to many.

I am thankful for the 30 years I had with Jason, he was full of love for God and people. It was so evident during his time of illness and then at his memorial service, how many people he touched. I miss him terribly. I am still coming to grips with the fact that he is really gone home.

I am so thankful for my amazing husband, who loves me just as I am. He has been my rock.

I am thankful for the example of a strong, God fearing woman in my Grandmother.

I am thankful for my family, brothers, sister-in-love, nephews and nieces, and step mother that were such a great help during this last year. Without them them these last few months would have been so much harder.

I am thankful for the two “step” kids that came with Tim, Katie & Scott, they often give me great laughs.

I am thankful for amazing friends given to me, that have surrounded me with love and caring.

I am thankful for a great job, with wonderful people who have been so understanding during this last year.

I am thankful for the everyday beauty that surrounds me and reminds me that God cares for even the smallest of details.

I am thankful that even when things are hard, and when they are not, that God is good, all the time.