This is a tough day for me. I miss my son. I miss so many things about him, but his hug, that is what I miss the most today. His big lift you off the ground all encompassing hug. I just plain miss him.
I sit here this morning trying to process conflicting emotions. I am so grateful for Chelsey, I don’t want her to ever think she is not enough, or that she is second to Jason in anyway. I am so happy she is my daughter. She has grown to be an amazing woman, and sometimes I feel like she gets lost in my grief over Jason.
I have two great adult step-children, I love their interaction with each other, it reminds me so much of Jason and Chelsey’s relationship. If I am truthful though, sometime is makes me so sad. I miss Chelsey and Jason together, I miss their interaction, I miss seeing how they cared for each other.
I know Chelsey grieves for the loss of her brother, the loss of their friendship, and I feel a little guilty and helpless for not knowing how to help her with that. I barely know how to process my own right now. Some days, like today, it is so big.
I feel like I am on a teeter toter of emotions, at the top I am happy, grateful, full of joy for the life I have. For having the privilege of being Mom to two amazing, wonderful, God-loving children. So grateful for the wonderful man God gave me to help me walk through this. At the bottom I am sad, deeply sad. There is so much more “up” than down these days, but right now, I am bouncing on the bottom. I am sad, I am missing Jason.