Learning to live with and without

908919_10151513901549717_759179977_nI can’t believe it has been over a month since I last sat down to write. I intended on writing more, on being more consistent in my blogging. This writing has become a sort of therapy for me. This blog has become place to put my feelings, discoveries and memories. I often go back and read previous posts, they help me put into perspective where I am now emotionally.When I go a long time between posts I guess I am taking longer to process the new lessons or discoveries.

Looking at past posts make me realize how much I have healed and that I have come a long way from the despair I was feeling. When I feel like I have not made progress, or I haven’t grown, I go back and read a bit, and I realize that God has been so gracious to me. He has lead me on path, and even when it was as dark as night, he was there. He was tenderly leading me to a healing that I thought could never happen.

I recently read an article by a Bereaved Mother. It was written so well and I would like to challenge you to follow this link Bereaved Mother  and take a few minutes to read it. It is short and even if it does not apply to you at the least it can bring understanding.

Another article I read this week, that really spoke to me as well as helping me sort out some things in my mind and soul.  (Find it here My Grief Will Last a Lifetime. ) Like this mother, I had always thought that grief was something to “get over”.  I thought I would walk through it and be “cured” of it. I have had other grief in my life, both of my parents have passed, but the grief of losing a child is nothing like that or any other grief I have felt. As I read this article I realized that grief will be a part of me for the rest of my life. This discovery has been somewhat freeing. While my grief has changed from a gaping open wound, to a scab, and will eventually change to a scar, it is something I will wear for the rest of my life.

As I thought about this article I came to understand, I can grieve and live a fulfilled and happy life. I can grieve while being happy and carefree; yes I can even dance through life with grief sitting beside me. I believe that I will grieve for the rest of my life. I will miss Jason until I am reunited with him. I am learning to live with the grief without being sad. I am learning that grief can live with me without dragging me into a dark place. Grief will be one of my life long companions. But I am so blessed to have not only had the opportunity to have known Jason, but I had the amazing blessing of being mom to such an awesome man.

I miss Jason more than I can express, and sometimes the missing him is bigger than I am. But when you see me happy and carefree, laughing and enjoying the people around me, it is not that I am forgetting or that I am done grieving, it is that I am learning to live without him, and I am learning to live with it.

I will echo the sentiment of the article (My Grief Will Last a Lifetime) – don’t pity me, don’t be sad for me, for I am blessed beyond what I deserve.

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