a revelation . . .

I usually post on Sunday mornings, in the quiet of my attic space. I have been torn about this weeks post, did I really want to write what has been on my heart this week? Am I really ready to write my feelings? I’m still not sure but here goes –

This week has been harrowing at work. Personnel issues, I dread these. I do not like confrontation. I run from it, hide from it, just thinking about it makes my stomach turn.

I have been struggling with a personnel issue for some time now. It came to a head (again) this week. I felt so defeated I considered finding another job. That is the running and hiding that I would rather do. I love my job, but I found myself this week getting physically ill at the thought of the confrontation I knew was ahead of me.

In talking to a co-worker, she likened my situation to that of an abused woman. I have to say, that was like a punch in the stomach. That conversation stopped me in my tracks. Many years ago, I told myself that I would never let any one treat me like that again. I spent too much time in my past beaten down verbally. I thought I had grown past that. I had vowed to not let myself be treated like that ever again. I vowed to only let myself be treated with respect. But here I was, beaten down, on the verge of tears, physically ill. Here I was again –

I chewed on this conversation for awhile, and came to the conclusion, I was letting a person treat me like less than I am, like a nothing. I had made excuses, when this happens it will get better, they have had such a rough time lately, it will get better soon and on and on. When I realized this I could not believe that I was letting any one talk to me like that. This was a person that I do not love, a person that is not  in my circle of friends, a person that I would not have any contact with outside of the work place. I am almost incredulous with myself. How did I let this happen? Why would I possibly let this person treat me like this? I still don’t really have an answer to this question, apparently I have still have some soul searching to do.

Friday morning, after some time in prayer, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, walked tall, and made up my mind that avoidance was not the answer. I was only hurting myself, I do not deserve to be treated in this manner, by anyone.

I enter this new week, with resolve, that I will meet confrontation head on, with grace. I will not be defeated. I will see myself through God’s eyes, his child, precious to him. I will see myself through my husband’s eyes, loved.