I began the month of November wanting to write every day about all that I am thankful. I wanted to give more than just a quick sentence about each thing, but for some unknown reason I have been hit by a multitude of migraines over the last few weeks. This has really wiped me out. So I did not accomplish that goal of writing about each thing, but I did take the time to reflect on all that I have to be thankful for, which is much.
I have had migraines in the past, usually one every few months at the most. In the last 3 weeks I have had about 7 of them. I have been trying to figure the reasons for the sudden rash of migraines.
Some one suggested stress, at first I dismissed this. I keep thinking if it were stress then wouldn’t I have had them when Jason was in the hospital and then when he passed? Then I got to thinking, maybe I was too numb, maybe I am just now feeling the stress of it, maybe it has taken my body this long to catch up with reality.
I tend to handle tough events in this way; I go into what I will call control mode at a time of crisis. I get my list together, if only in my head, but there is a list, and then I act. I am calm and in control. I do what needs to be done, quickly and efficiently. Then when the crisis has passed, that is when I fall apart. When it is all over, I finally feel the reality of the thing.
When my mom passed, this was my first true tragedy, well besides my divorce, but when she passed, I acted. I gathered my children and moved in with my dad so he did not have to live alone. It wasn’t until six months later that I let myself feel the loss, and I fell apart, a little. I am a bit of a control freak so I don’t let myself fall apart easily, and then not for very long, especially when my kids were young.
When my dad had his last stroke, and Monica called me to the hospital. Again, I stood strong, dealt with the decisions that needed to be made. I watch my dad leave this earth for the arms of Jesus. This time though, Tim was there, making me take care of my needs also. This was very new and foreign to me, and still I did not let myself feel the impact until it was all over, and much later. It was months again, before I felt it fully. The fact that I had no earthly parents.
When my grandma passed 2 months after Jason, same story, different verse.
When my first marriage fell apart, with great determination, I gathered my children, we made a life and home. I did not fall apart, I was strong, I never let myself feel the full impact of this. Not until this wonderful man entered my life. I began to fall in love with him, and then all the hurt and pain I had not dealt with bubbled up to the surface. “Stuff” long forgotten, so buried and that I had fooled myself into thinking I had dealt with it. 23 years later I finally began really dealing with the “stuff”. I am amazed that Tim hung around while I was sorting out the hurt. I am so grateful he did.
Then the most horrific tragedy I have ever been faced with, Jason’s passing. Again, I gathered my list, did what needed to be done. Marched through, quickly and efficiently because this is what I do. This is who I am. And maybe just now I am feeling it. The full impact. Don’t get me wrong, I have fallen apart many times, cried until I thought I might never stop. I have had my days of fog that I thought would never lift. But maybe just now, my body is feeling the stress of it. Maybe this is the way my body is dealing with the new reality. Maybe as we come up on this season of holidays where family and friends gather, I am feeling the full impact. I am not sure anyone ever deals with the loss of a child, but maybe this is a step in the process of healing. Letting go of the stress of it, maybe my body is dealing with the stress in this manner. Maybe by putting my feelings to words will help. Who knows, time will tell.
But this I know, I am thankful for this life my Heavenly Father has chosen for me. Yes, I am even thankful for all the crisis that he has given to me, for these things have made me who I am, and have lead me to this place now. This life I love. So while I have not written in detail about my thankful list, I want to say I am thankful for a Heavenly Father that sees me, and knows my name, and has carried me through it all to this place. I am thankful for the privilege of raising two amazing children to be amazing adults. I am thankful for the godly parents God gave me. I am thankful for the amazing life partner he gave me. Tim has been my rock, my steady in the storms of the last couple years.
This continues to be the cry of my heart, God is good, all the time. I am eternally grateful to him for this life of mine.