Letting go

This week has been a tough one. Even after trying to process why all day yesterday, I have  not been able to put my finger on any one thing. I have been moody, and tears have been just a  blink away. But I think I have narrowed it down.

The rain has started, after a long beautifully sunny summer and early fall. Thursday evening, we put summer away. Tim did what was probably the last mow of the season. I moved any furniture that was outside to the inside. I zipped up the swing. I cried. For some reason I am not ready, even yet, to put summer away and let fall take its place.

I have moved my weekend early morning routine to the attic. I love this space, but I miss the garden and the hummingbirds.

I realized yesterday that I have not taken pictures of this beautiful fall we have been having. I am already sorry for that, the colors have been brilliant. The leaves have hung on longer this year, probably because of the dry weather.

I know by clinging to summer I have missed some of the beauty of fall, but I don’t seem to want to let go. It feels as if something precious is being ripped from me.

As I finish this post, I am watching the most beautiful sunrise unfold from my attic window. I am sitting in my grandmother’s 70’s orange rocking chair, wrapped in a blanket made by her for me. It is kind of like a hug from heaven.

Today I will practice letting go, I will say good bye to summer. I will practice embracing this fall that will soon turn to winter. My hanging on does not change the fact that the seasons are changing, it just makes me miserable.
Today I let go, a little more.

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2 thoughts on “Letting go”

  1. Good morning (almost afternoon) Your post really touched me. I too, feel like this, more and more. And eventhough I am 48, I miss my grandma terribly..I think it’s wonderful that you have a chair and blanket to enjoy your hug from heaven:):) And as I watch my son grow up, I am more teary and bleary-eyed–even driving down the road, or sitting at my desk at work.. For me, wondering what the future is going to bring after he is grown and gone, is troubling to me. I cleaned up my yard last weekend and I felt the same way..this year, I didn’t get to enjoy the outside as much for different reasons..In the winter, I get depressed more, think more, grieve more. And as for Facebook and all of it’s popularity, it is hurtful for me sometimes. It’s hurtful to see people still enjoying their families, having celebrations, get togethers–when your world is gone, it’s hard to see others’ words go on. I have an attic that I like to go to too–my crafts/beads are there, my desk, books, a bed..perfect place for a little afternoon “retreat”–which I plan on doing today…I love to bead..the time just flys by and I enjoy making my “creations”..but it took me years to have an interest in the again…I just started going to back to school to work on my Bachlor’s Degree too., so I am trying to improve myself and make a different life for myself., but it’s hard..My husband died at home, and it’s hard some days to wipe out the picture of him laying on my living room floor being revived, or in the bathroom, where I found him..but I still don’t want to leave my tiny little house..it’s been a part of me/us for so long, I think I will stay here for awile..until I am ready for the next phase of my life., whatever that my bring.

    I will be thinking about you today…

    Hugs from Ohio ((((()))))

    1. I am so sorry that your home holds such painful memories. I am so blessed that I did not witness my sons passing. I also elected not to view his body, I did not that image to be my last. My last memory of my son is hugging him good bye after we dropped him off at his home. He had just left the hospital and was really looking forward to getting together with his friends. He ws completely happy.

      I have only been married 3 years, (Nov 6). I cannot imagine going through these last months with out Tim. He has been my rock.

      I am sorry you are going through this alone. I do remember watching my children grow and I also wondered what I would do once they were gone. My first husband left when my daughter was 6 months old, so I raised them both on my own. They were my whole life and thinking of them moving on with out me was scarey. I kinda know what you are feeling.

      Keeping busy with things you love is important. I love my attic space, The whole attic is mine, there is a storage room, and a spare bedroom and the other 2 rooms hold my sewing and knitting stuff. My grandmas chair sits where I can look out the window at the sunrises. She passed 2 months to the day after Jason, so I did not mourn her as I might have, had it been a different time. She was 98 and so ready to go. My mother passed over 25 years ago, and then my dad passed about 4 years ago. All of my other grandparents passed when I was very young.

      What a great thing to go back to school, I never had the chance but used to think about it.

      You will move on when you are ready, just don’t forget to be open to it. (I swore I would never marry again, my first marriage was a train wreck, but here I am with the man of my dreams.)

      Hugs back to you – and prayers –
      Bev

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