The Why’s and What If’s

Recently I have found myself wondering why Jason passed. Not that I did not wonder, always, but I had to quickly put away the whys for fear I would get lost in them. I am at a place now that I can wonder and put it away before it overwhelms me. Progress, right?

I have heard so many stories of similar circumstances happening to others, and they survived. I wonder what was different about Jason’s illness. I think part of my questions because  I never really comprehended what was truly wrong with Jason. Was it his lungs that hurt his heart? Was it his heart that hurt his lungs? We were in this state of wondering for his whole hospital stay. It was decided in the end that it was his heart that hurt his lungs, but the diagnosis was so new I did not have time to digest it before he passed. So I wonder sometimes.

I even let myself go to the what ifs. What if he had stayed a few more days in the hospital? What if he had gone to a rehab center? In my heart of hearts I know that we were given a gift of a few more weeks with Jason. I know that Jason was ready for eternity and that he would have disliked his new way of living, with the so careful eating and the stress of how to pay for the mountain of prescriptions that he would have had. In my heart of hearts I know this was God’s timing. But there are days I wonder I ask what if.

I miss him. I miss my mom, I miss my dad, I miss my grandma. I have these feelings in moments now, not days. Progress again. I am healing, and it is only when I am feeling happy, and content that I can let myself dwell on these things long enough to write about them.

So today I want to say, I am happy and content. I know that God is good, all the time, like I have never known it before.

I survey this place I live and feel a peace in my heart. I love this little piece of land that is slowly being transformed. Jason’s garden is such a peaceful place to sit, the hummingbirds are such a gift to watch. We planted shade trees yesterday. Eleven of them. I can hardly wait for them to be big enough. Just walking around the yard and talking to my heavenly father gives me such a peace.

I love the man I wake up next to each day. He is such a gift. Sometimes when he reaches for me and gives me a little squeeze I am in awe that he still loves me, even after living with me. I have never known a love like this and some times it still takes my by surprise.

I am so proud of my daughter, I wonder where I would be today if she had not entered this world, she was a bit of a surprise, but again, God knew even then, I would need her. I am constantly amazed and in awe of the woman she has grown into. She is so full of grace and love for others. She is strong and independent, she is a woman that follows after God. I love her dearly and am proud that she calls me mom.

I sit here today with my heart full. I am full of joy, love, and contentment amidst the why’s and what if’s.

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