Monday I had a total meltdown. Several actually.
It started Sunday night, if you read the previous post you will see I did not have a great Saturday morning, but I had recovered, mostly.
Sunday started out as a great day, long morning snuggles with my amazing husband, then a drive to the coast. It was rainy so we got home early. I decided to make a couple dinners for the next week, some cheeseburger soup and spaghetti. At some point that evening I started to feel so sad. I could not shake it. I knitted like crazy, I still could not identify a why, I could not pull myself out of it.
I slept fitfully that night, had several bad dreams. The next day I could not shake the “yuck”. I was useless at work, I should have stayed home but I had just had a three day weekend and could not justify calling in because I had “the yuck”.
So I went to work, and melted down. I spent most of the day in my office, avoiding people. They avoiding me, for the most part, I had a look about me. (That is what they told me today J)
I tried to put a finger on it, I missed Jason, I missed my mom, I missed my dad. What triggered this “yuck”? How can I function if I don’t know why or when these times will hit? Do I need medication? What was going on?
We got home I started cleaning, not because I wanted to but because I felt like if I sat down right then I might never get up. I would stay there, pull the covers over my head and just never get up.
The bathroom was cleaned, the dining room was cleaned, the kitchen was cleaned, then I then I started dinner. As I was making the noodles and heating the sauce I thought I wished Jason was here to taste the sauce and tell me what it needed. Then it hit me – that was it. It was the spaghetti. Of all the things, spaghetti???
This was Jason’s meal, his favorite from toddlerhood, his specialty when he started to cook. He would walk through the kitchen when I was making sauce, he would taste it, then start adding spices. His sauce was amazing.
As soon as I identified where the “yuck” came from, it started to leave. I slept well, I woke up rested, I made my apologies at work. I smiled and laughed. I healed a little more.
Spaghetti, who would have thought?