Yesterday I had plans to go to a friend’s daughter’s baby shower. There would have been several friends that I have seen only minimally since Jason’s passing. It would be good to see them again. I was looking forward to seeing them, talking, laughing and enjoying their company.
The day before I spent a good chunk of the day making the gift, I was pretty happy with how it turned out. I wrapped it. I was set to go.
Then yesterday morning as I sat out on the garden swing, which is my habit on weekend mornings, I began to notice things about myself. I was knitting like my life depended on it. (This is the way I knitted for months after Jason passed.) My heart was beating faster than normal. I was jittery. I felt a little claustrophobic. I realized I was feeling extremely anxious about going to this shower.
I argued with myself for a long time, I wanted to go. The more I tried to talk myself out of these feelings the worse I felt. I sent my daughter a text to tell her I wasn’t going, and to apologize to the hostess. Immediately I felt calm. My breathing slowed, I cried.
I realize that I still have some healing to do, and some things to work on. So I will work on these things, and look for more places that need patching. I will look to the Great Physician for his healing touch.
I have given myself permission to take the time it takes.
And I know that I will heal, I will be whole again.