Not there yet

Yesterday I had plans to go to a friend’s daughter’s baby shower. There would have been several friends that I have seen only minimally since Jason’s passing. It would be good to see them again. I was looking forward to seeing them, talking, laughing and enjoying their company.

The day before I spent a good chunk of the day making the gift, I was pretty happy with how it turned out. I wrapped it. I was set to go.

Then yesterday morning as I sat out on the garden swing, which is my habit on weekend mornings, I began to notice things about myself. I was knitting like my life depended on it. (This is the way I knitted for months after Jason passed.) My heart was beating faster than normal. I was jittery. I felt a little claustrophobic. I realized I was feeling extremely  anxious about going to this shower.

I argued with myself for a long time, I wanted to go. The more I tried to talk myself out of these feelings the worse I felt. I sent my daughter a text to tell her I wasn’t going, and to apologize to the hostess. Immediately I felt calm. My breathing slowed, I cried.

I realize that I still have some healing to do, and some things to work on. So I will work on these things, and look for more places that need patching. I will look to the Great Physician for his healing touch.

I have given myself permission to take the time it takes.

And I know that I will heal, I will be whole again.

 

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4 thoughts on “Not there yet”

  1. I get it and I am glad you listened to your inner voice and didn’t go. sometimes I just don’t want to see people from that time period in my life..it’s too painful. I am different now. it does take a long time to heal your heart. i have learned to tell myself it’s ok if i have a day i where i want to just heal and do comforting things to mend my soul Hugs…(((()))))

    http://www.widowedsinglemom.wordpress.com

  2. I have dealt with this same thing, but I’ve seen my mother deal with it as well. You absolutely need your space. You do not need to feel like you are pressured into attending social functions when it will only be a painful exprience – even if the event and the people are joyful and exciting, it can be so incredibly taxing to be in attendance. Take your time in healing. The day will come when those days aren’t quite so difficult. 🙂

    1. Thanks Nicole – I am healing and moving forward, I just know that I need to give my self permission to do what I need to do while still stretching a bit. I don’t want to get stuck in this place.
      I am loving the jewelery you are posting on IG. 🙂

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